| Al Baakouka Political Humor Edited by S Suwellam, London |
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Jokes Part I
President George W.
President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th
grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the
word, "tragedy." So the president asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the
street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No" says Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing
everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't
there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice
he
says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up
to
smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Correct" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," Lil' Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it
sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th
grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the
word, "tragedy." So the president asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the
street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No" says Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing
everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't
there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice
he
says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up
to
smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Correct" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," Lil' Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it
sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
Bush
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her
leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions,"
says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question:
Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or
sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get
that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign
Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator
Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has
a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees,
and Helms leaves.
Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the
question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation,
Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is
not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course,
you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I
know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her
leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions,"
says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question:
Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or
sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get
that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign
Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator
Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has
a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees,
and Helms leaves.
Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the
question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation,
Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is
not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course,
you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I
know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."
Chicken
A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two
tickets. "Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked. "For my pet chicken." He said,
pointing to the bird. "I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the
theater." The man walked around the corner of the building. He was wearing a short-sleeved T-
shirt, so he stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a
ticket, entered the theater, and sat down. The chicken started to get too hot, so the man,
figuring it was okay because it was dark, unzipped his pants to let the chicken stick its head
out. The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and
whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!" Amanda replied, "Oh, don't
worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all." The woman whispered
back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
funeral!
There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite
chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed,
crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was
busily baking cookies. With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just
barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate
chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. Gasping for
breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?" "Those are for the funeral."
Channel
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Just three
women entered the race: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the
fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared to be the second
place finisher.
Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of
the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't
want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
Car
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they
could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said: "I'll
make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut
and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use
of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very
proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you
didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied:" You know Dad, I've been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long
hair."
The rabbi said: "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."
Driving
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided
to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of
sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's
major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his
window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and
answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just
dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it
was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a
pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he
settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"
The Cemetery Visit
A woman and her young daughter were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother one
Sunday. As they passed through the cemetery on the way back to their car, the little girl said,
"Mommy? Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Oh no, of course not, dear!" the
mother replied. "Why on earth would you think that?"
"Well, that one back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The Three Girlfriends
Tim had three girlfriends, but couldn't decide which one he should marry, so he gave each one
$5,000 to see how each of them spent it, and to help him make his decision. The first woman
used the money to get a total makeover, telling Tim that she wanted to look pretty for him
because she loved him. The second woman went out and bought new golf clubs, a DVD player, a
big-screen TV, and a stereo. She gave these things to Tim and told him she bought them for him
because she loved him. The third woman took the money and invested it, doubling her investment
and returning the original $5,000 to him. She told him she had invested for their future
because she loved him.
Tim thought for a long time about how each of the women had decided to spend the money, and
finally decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.
Call back
Two men were having a conversation. A: "My ears got burnt!" B: "How did that happen?" A: "You
see, I was ironing and the phone rang and instead of picking up the phone I picked up the
iron." B: "So how did the second one get burnt"? A: "The person called back."
two dollars
A bum asked a man on the street for two dollars. "Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which
the bum replies, "No." "Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies, "No." "Will you
make bets at the golf course?" Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf" Then the man
asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink,
gamble or play golf?"
lawyers
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party. "What do you do if you make a mistake on a
case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,"
replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me
give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but
instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
My wife
In a large supermarket, a man approached a very beautiful woman and said, "I've lost track of
my wife in here. Could you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asked. "Because
every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Doctor
"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have
six months to live." The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his
composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't
possibly pay you in that time." "Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."
Lawyer
A lawyer died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates with a host of Angels
and ushered him into heaven ahead of everyone else. The lawyer asked, "Why all this special
treatment?" St. Peter replied, "We don't get very many of your profession up here."
Lawyer
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor
recommended a
heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available,
considering that money
was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer,
with a great diet.
He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years
old, great
condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and
a steak lover.
It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."
That Dog Won't Hunt
Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the
back of the head. "Ow!" Larry exclaimed."What was that for?" "I found a piece of paper in your
pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said angrily. "You better have a good
explanation!" "Calm down, honey," Larry said. "I was at the dog track last week and that was
the name of the dog I bet on." Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked
him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work."What the heck was that for?" he
demanded. "Your dog just called."
Politicians
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran
off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing
what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the
politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the
old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The
sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them
said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
Church Pigs
A man called the church office one day and said, "Can I please speak to the head hog at the trough?" The
secretary, highly offended, said, "If you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor' or 'Brother,' but
you may certainly NOT refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough!'" The man said, "Well, I was planning on
giving $10,000 to your church's building fund, but..." "Hold on," the secretary quickly replied, "the big fat pig
just walked in."
Drinking!!
A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man
stood up
to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and
get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he
arrived
at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he
reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time
he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head
hit
the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out
drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left
your wheelchair there again."
Which ?!!
Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that
two
days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a
great
time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam. Rather than
take
the final, they found their professor
afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee
for
the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and
didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The
professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were
relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate
rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which
was
worth 5 points. It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem
and then turned the page. Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).
"The future!
A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a
taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"
"I'm the Class of 2000 just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and
see what the world has in store for me."
The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class
of 1949."
The truth!!
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret,
and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even
when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he
says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell
your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know
the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your
mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his
front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail,
opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
Serious!
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the
line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there
already!"
THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES... Part I
A SOCIALIST:You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote
people into office who tax your cows, forcing
you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow
and give it to your neighbor You feel
righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the
underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have
to sell both to support a man in a foreign
country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of
cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots
one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then
pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the
milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES... Part II
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for
lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks
like.You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing
them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American
corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the
American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them
A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two
tickets. "Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked. "For my pet chicken." He said,
pointing to the bird. "I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the
theater." The man walked around the corner of the building. He was wearing a short-sleeved T-
shirt, so he stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a
ticket, entered the theater, and sat down. The chicken started to get too hot, so the man,
figuring it was okay because it was dark, unzipped his pants to let the chicken stick its head
out. The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and
whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!" Amanda replied, "Oh, don't
worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all." The woman whispered
back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
funeral!
There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite
chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed,
crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was
busily baking cookies. With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just
barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate
chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. Gasping for
breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?" "Those are for the funeral."
Channel
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Just three
women entered the race: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the
fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared to be the second
place finisher.
Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of
the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't
want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
Car
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they
could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said: "I'll
make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut
and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use
of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very
proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you
didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied:" You know Dad, I've been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long
hair."
The rabbi said: "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."
Driving
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided
to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of
sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's
major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his
window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and
answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just
dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it
was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a
pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he
settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"
The Cemetery Visit
A woman and her young daughter were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother one
Sunday. As they passed through the cemetery on the way back to their car, the little girl said,
"Mommy? Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Oh no, of course not, dear!" the
mother replied. "Why on earth would you think that?"
"Well, that one back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The Three Girlfriends
Tim had three girlfriends, but couldn't decide which one he should marry, so he gave each one
$5,000 to see how each of them spent it, and to help him make his decision. The first woman
used the money to get a total makeover, telling Tim that she wanted to look pretty for him
because she loved him. The second woman went out and bought new golf clubs, a DVD player, a
big-screen TV, and a stereo. She gave these things to Tim and told him she bought them for him
because she loved him. The third woman took the money and invested it, doubling her investment
and returning the original $5,000 to him. She told him she had invested for their future
because she loved him.
Tim thought for a long time about how each of the women had decided to spend the money, and
finally decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.
Call back
Two men were having a conversation. A: "My ears got burnt!" B: "How did that happen?" A: "You
see, I was ironing and the phone rang and instead of picking up the phone I picked up the
iron." B: "So how did the second one get burnt"? A: "The person called back."
two dollars
A bum asked a man on the street for two dollars. "Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which
the bum replies, "No." "Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies, "No." "Will you
make bets at the golf course?" Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf" Then the man
asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink,
gamble or play golf?"
lawyers
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party. "What do you do if you make a mistake on a
case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,"
replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me
give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but
instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
My wife
In a large supermarket, a man approached a very beautiful woman and said, "I've lost track of
my wife in here. Could you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asked. "Because
every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Doctor
"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have
six months to live." The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his
composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't
possibly pay you in that time." "Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."
Lawyer
A lawyer died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates with a host of Angels
and ushered him into heaven ahead of everyone else. The lawyer asked, "Why all this special
treatment?" St. Peter replied, "We don't get very many of your profession up here."
Lawyer
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor
recommended a
heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available,
considering that money
was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer,
with a great diet.
He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years
old, great
condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and
a steak lover.
It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."
That Dog Won't Hunt
Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the
back of the head. "Ow!" Larry exclaimed."What was that for?" "I found a piece of paper in your
pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said angrily. "You better have a good
explanation!" "Calm down, honey," Larry said. "I was at the dog track last week and that was
the name of the dog I bet on." Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked
him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work."What the heck was that for?" he
demanded. "Your dog just called."
Politicians
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran
off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing
what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the
politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the
old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The
sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them
said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
Church Pigs
A man called the church office one day and said, "Can I please speak to the head hog at the trough?" The
secretary, highly offended, said, "If you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor' or 'Brother,' but
you may certainly NOT refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough!'" The man said, "Well, I was planning on
giving $10,000 to your church's building fund, but..." "Hold on," the secretary quickly replied, "the big fat pig
just walked in."
Drinking!!
A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man
stood up
to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and
get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he
arrived
at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he
reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time
he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head
hit
the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out
drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left
your wheelchair there again."
Which ?!!
Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that
two
days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a
great
time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam. Rather than
take
the final, they found their professor
afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee
for
the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and
didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The
professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were
relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate
rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which
was
worth 5 points. It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem
and then turned the page. Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).
"The future!
A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a
taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"
"I'm the Class of 2000 just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and
see what the world has in store for me."
The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class
of 1949."
The truth!!
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret,
and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even
when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he
says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell
your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know
the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your
mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his
front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail,
opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
Serious!
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the
line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there
already!"
THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES... Part I
A SOCIALIST:You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote
people into office who tax your cows, forcing
you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow
and give it to your neighbor You feel
righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the
underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have
to sell both to support a man in a foreign
country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of
cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots
one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then
pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the
milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES... Part II
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for
lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks
like.You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing
them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American
corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the
American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them
Hillary in Heaven
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall
of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that
she never told a lie.""Whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice,
telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life." Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?" "Bill's clock is in my
office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
The Father!!
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy,
Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next
morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself
that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning
Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure
enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early
the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting
on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the
milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
A common change?
A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a
bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The
Customer Service Representative told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He
asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.
The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."
Dormitory Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to
the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty dollars the first
time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined sixty
dollars. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are
there any questions?" A male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
Marriage!
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage
counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.
"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
More Birds And Bees?
Little Lucy ran out to the backyard where her father was working on the grill and asked him,
"Daddy, what's sex?" Nervous about the question, but feeling that it must be time, her father
sat her down and told her all about the birds and the bees. He explained about how women and
men were different, how they had intercourse to make babies and how girls go through puberty
and menstruation. Seeing that she was fascinated by the conversation and listening intently, he
expanded into a wide variety of related topics, figuring she might as well be well informed.
Finally finishing his lecture, he asked her, "So what made you want to know about sex?" "Oh,
mommy said to tell you that lunch would be ready in a couple of
secs."
Check That Invoice
The owner of a health spa was looking over an invoice and was confused about some of the
numbers, so he called his secretary in for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked. His secretary replied, "Everything
but my earrings!"
Black!
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her
life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
A Female Comeback:
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
spinach?
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his
father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work.
These are food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda
fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the
boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He
asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more
uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item
on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence
once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the
girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?
Math And Logic
Two nuns, one known for her skill in math (M) and the other known for her skill in logic (L), were walking one dark night
far
from the convent when they noticed a man following them.
M: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
L: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
M: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
L: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
M: It's not working.
L: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
M: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
L: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man
decided to follow the logical sister. The mathematical sister arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to
her fellow nun. Then the logical sister arrives.
M: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
L: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
M: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
L: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
M: And?
L: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
M: Oh, dear! What did you do?
L: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
M: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
L: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
M: Oh, no! What happened then?
L: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall
of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that
she never told a lie.""Whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice,
telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life." Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?" "Bill's clock is in my
office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
The Father!!
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy,
Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next
morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself
that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning
Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure
enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early
the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting
on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the
milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
A common change?
A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a
bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The
Customer Service Representative told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He
asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.
The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."
Dormitory Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to
the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty dollars the first
time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined sixty
dollars. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are
there any questions?" A male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
Marriage!
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage
counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.
"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
More Birds And Bees?
Little Lucy ran out to the backyard where her father was working on the grill and asked him,
"Daddy, what's sex?" Nervous about the question, but feeling that it must be time, her father
sat her down and told her all about the birds and the bees. He explained about how women and
men were different, how they had intercourse to make babies and how girls go through puberty
and menstruation. Seeing that she was fascinated by the conversation and listening intently, he
expanded into a wide variety of related topics, figuring she might as well be well informed.
Finally finishing his lecture, he asked her, "So what made you want to know about sex?" "Oh,
mommy said to tell you that lunch would be ready in a couple of
secs."
Check That Invoice
The owner of a health spa was looking over an invoice and was confused about some of the
numbers, so he called his secretary in for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked. His secretary replied, "Everything
but my earrings!"
Black!
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her
life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
A Female Comeback:
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
spinach?
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his
father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work.
These are food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda
fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the
boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He
asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more
uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item
on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence
once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the
girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?
Math And Logic
Two nuns, one known for her skill in math (M) and the other known for her skill in logic (L), were walking one dark night
far
from the convent when they noticed a man following them.
M: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
L: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
M: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
L: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
M: It's not working.
L: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
M: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
L: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man
decided to follow the logical sister. The mathematical sister arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to
her fellow nun. Then the logical sister arrives.
M: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
L: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
M: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
L: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
M: And?
L: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
M: Oh, dear! What did you do?
L: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
M: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
L: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
M: Oh, no! What happened then?
L: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
