| Al Baakouka Political Humor Edited by S Suwellam, London |
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Hussein & Bush
Saddam Hussein phoned President Bush and said, "George, I called you because I had this incredible dream
last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a beautiful
banner."
Bush asked, "What was on the banner?"
Saddam responded, "It said Allah is God, and God is Allah."
Bush said, "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too. I could see
all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on
every building there was also a beautiful banner."
Saddam said, "What was on the banner?"
Bush replied, "I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."
==================
Saddam Hussein and George Dubya Bush
Saddam Hussein and George Dubya Bush met up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace
process.
When George Dubya sits down, he notices 3 buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After
about 5 minutes, Saddam presses the first button.
A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Confused, Bush carries on
talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin.
Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace
between the 2 countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally
had enough. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks.
As the 2 men sit down, Hussein notices 3 buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's
revenge.
They begin talking and George Dubya presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush
sniggers.
A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars
with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens.
Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Bush then says through tears of laughter, "WHAT Baghdad?"
==================
George and Moses
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing
white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The
man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked
again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you
Moses".
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last
time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the
wilderness".
===================
George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I
don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely
have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the door to the first room. In it was
former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air,
then immediately diving back into the water again over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was British Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a
room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No way! I've got this
problem with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented
George.
The devil opened the third door. In it, George saw former President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with
his arms staked over his head and his legs in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for awhile and finally said, "Yeah I could
handle this."
The devil smiled and said . . . "Monica you're free to go..."
====================
The First Lady, Cheney and Bush are in a plane. All of the sudden Bush's wife says: "If I were to
throw out a $100 bill, I would make one person very happy."
Cheney asnwers: "If I threw ten $10 bills out of the window, I would make ten whole people happy."
Bush feels the need to say something as well: "If I threw a hundred $1 bills out of the window, I would make a
hundred people happy."
The pilot, who had been listening to the conversation, mutters to the co-pilot: "If I were to throw these three
out of the window, I'd make millions happy!"
==========================
A man dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly gates. Behind St. Peter, is a wall of clocks. The man asks
St. Peter, "What are all those clocks". St Peter answers, " Everyone has one. The hands move when
someone lies". The man asks about George Washington. St Peter says."The hands have never moved". The
man: What about Abe Lincoln? St Peter: Only moved twice. The man: Where is George W.Bush's clock? St.
Peter: It's in Jesus' office. He's using it for a fan!
======================
Bush and Powell Plan World War III. Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and
asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"
============================
Bush's Propaganda Tour During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his
politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got
3 questions":
1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back,
Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 5 questions":
1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Where's Bobby?
==========================
INTELLIGENT CAR RADIO
A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway
home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She
immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working,
and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her
that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she
wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a
station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out
the radio and said "rock 'n' roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the
speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.
A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision.
The woman angrily exclaimed, "Asshole!"
...The radio cut over to George Bush's press conference.
=======================
HILARY VISITS HOSPITAL
Hilary Clinton was taking a tour of a D.C. hospital while working to reform healthcare in the U.S. As she is
touring, a doctor is explaining all the different functions of the hospital to her.
Eventually, they pass an open room in the inpatient ward, where Hilary could clearly see a middle aged man
masturbating with great enthusiasm. The doctor quickly instructed the floor nurse to close the door. It was
too late, Hilary had already seen.
She fiercely looked at the doctor and said, "What kind of hospital are you running here Doctor?"
The doctor calmly explained that the man had a very rare ailment, which required him to ejaculate three
times daily, or his testicles would swell and he would die. Hilary accepted the doctor's explanation and they
moved on.
A few minutes later, they came across another open room, yet this time they witnessed a nurse on her knees
giving a different middle aged man oral sex. Hilary was outraged and called for an immediate explanation.
"It's very simple Mrs. Clinton", said the doctor. "This man suffers from the same ailment as the last man,
however he has a much better health plan."
========================
ELEMENTARY, MR PRESIDENT
One day George Bush is going to give a speech at an Elementary School. He asks the teacher what the
children are studying and she replies that they are learning about Greek Tragedies. So the President decides
to talk about Tragedies. He asks a student, "What would you consider to be a tragedy?"
The kid thinks for awhile and then says, " If a boy is running after a ball into a street and gets run over by a
car and dies."
Bush responds, "No, I don't think that's a tragedy... that's an accident." Then Bush asks another kid to give
an example of a tragedy.
The kid says, "If a bus full of kids drives over a cliff and they all die."
This time Bush says, "I don't think that's a tragedy... I think that's a great loss." So again Bush asks another
kid to give an example of a tragedy.
The kid responds, "If you and Dick Chenney are on Air Force One and it crashes."
"Right!" says Bush to the kid. "That would be a tragedy... how did you ever know that?"
Quickly, the kid replies, " Because I know it's not an accident and I know it's not a great loss."
=================
President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of
birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the
President.
"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin.
"Yes?", replied the President.
"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms.
"I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
=========================
Bush Acts as god
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God
a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they
decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a
$5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it
through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
==========================
Plastic Surgery Miracles
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, “I am the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I
reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”
One of the others said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached
them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics.”
The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy who was high on cocaine and
alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's
ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States.”
========================
George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr.
President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left
side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there
isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."
Saddam Hussein phoned President Bush and said, "George, I called you because I had this incredible dream
last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a beautiful
banner."
Bush asked, "What was on the banner?"
Saddam responded, "It said Allah is God, and God is Allah."
Bush said, "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too. I could see
all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on
every building there was also a beautiful banner."
Saddam said, "What was on the banner?"
Bush replied, "I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."
==================
Saddam Hussein and George Dubya Bush
Saddam Hussein and George Dubya Bush met up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace
process.
When George Dubya sits down, he notices 3 buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After
about 5 minutes, Saddam presses the first button.
A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Confused, Bush carries on
talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin.
Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace
between the 2 countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally
had enough. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks.
As the 2 men sit down, Hussein notices 3 buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's
revenge.
They begin talking and George Dubya presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush
sniggers.
A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars
with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens.
Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Bush then says through tears of laughter, "WHAT Baghdad?"
==================
George and Moses
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing
white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The
man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked
again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you
Moses".
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last
time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the
wilderness".
===================
George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I
don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely
have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the door to the first room. In it was
former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air,
then immediately diving back into the water again over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was British Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a
room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No way! I've got this
problem with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented
George.
The devil opened the third door. In it, George saw former President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with
his arms staked over his head and his legs in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for awhile and finally said, "Yeah I could
handle this."
The devil smiled and said . . . "Monica you're free to go..."
====================
The First Lady, Cheney and Bush are in a plane. All of the sudden Bush's wife says: "If I were to
throw out a $100 bill, I would make one person very happy."
Cheney asnwers: "If I threw ten $10 bills out of the window, I would make ten whole people happy."
Bush feels the need to say something as well: "If I threw a hundred $1 bills out of the window, I would make a
hundred people happy."
The pilot, who had been listening to the conversation, mutters to the co-pilot: "If I were to throw these three
out of the window, I'd make millions happy!"
==========================
A man dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly gates. Behind St. Peter, is a wall of clocks. The man asks
St. Peter, "What are all those clocks". St Peter answers, " Everyone has one. The hands move when
someone lies". The man asks about George Washington. St Peter says."The hands have never moved". The
man: What about Abe Lincoln? St Peter: Only moved twice. The man: Where is George W.Bush's clock? St.
Peter: It's in Jesus' office. He's using it for a fan!
======================
Bush and Powell Plan World War III. Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and
asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"
============================
Bush's Propaganda Tour During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his
politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got
3 questions":
1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back,
Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 5 questions":
1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Where's Bobby?
==========================
INTELLIGENT CAR RADIO
A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway
home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She
immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working,
and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her
that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she
wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a
station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out
the radio and said "rock 'n' roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the
speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.
A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision.
The woman angrily exclaimed, "Asshole!"
...The radio cut over to George Bush's press conference.
=======================
HILARY VISITS HOSPITAL
Hilary Clinton was taking a tour of a D.C. hospital while working to reform healthcare in the U.S. As she is
touring, a doctor is explaining all the different functions of the hospital to her.
Eventually, they pass an open room in the inpatient ward, where Hilary could clearly see a middle aged man
masturbating with great enthusiasm. The doctor quickly instructed the floor nurse to close the door. It was
too late, Hilary had already seen.
She fiercely looked at the doctor and said, "What kind of hospital are you running here Doctor?"
The doctor calmly explained that the man had a very rare ailment, which required him to ejaculate three
times daily, or his testicles would swell and he would die. Hilary accepted the doctor's explanation and they
moved on.
A few minutes later, they came across another open room, yet this time they witnessed a nurse on her knees
giving a different middle aged man oral sex. Hilary was outraged and called for an immediate explanation.
"It's very simple Mrs. Clinton", said the doctor. "This man suffers from the same ailment as the last man,
however he has a much better health plan."
========================
ELEMENTARY, MR PRESIDENT
One day George Bush is going to give a speech at an Elementary School. He asks the teacher what the
children are studying and she replies that they are learning about Greek Tragedies. So the President decides
to talk about Tragedies. He asks a student, "What would you consider to be a tragedy?"
The kid thinks for awhile and then says, " If a boy is running after a ball into a street and gets run over by a
car and dies."
Bush responds, "No, I don't think that's a tragedy... that's an accident." Then Bush asks another kid to give
an example of a tragedy.
The kid says, "If a bus full of kids drives over a cliff and they all die."
This time Bush says, "I don't think that's a tragedy... I think that's a great loss." So again Bush asks another
kid to give an example of a tragedy.
The kid responds, "If you and Dick Chenney are on Air Force One and it crashes."
"Right!" says Bush to the kid. "That would be a tragedy... how did you ever know that?"
Quickly, the kid replies, " Because I know it's not an accident and I know it's not a great loss."
=================
President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of
birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the
President.
"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin.
"Yes?", replied the President.
"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms.
"I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
=========================
Bush Acts as god
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God
a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they
decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a
$5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it
through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
==========================
Plastic Surgery Miracles
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, “I am the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I
reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”
One of the others said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached
them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics.”
The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy who was high on cocaine and
alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's
ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States.”
========================
George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr.
President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left
side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there
isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."
